On Edge

 

Think

“So, Megan, DO you want kids some day?”

Silence.

Contemplation on how to answer this question.

“Well, that’s a loaded question.

It’s not that we don’t want kids, it’s that we’ve tried for a long time and it hasn’t happened yet.”

I really was not wanting to have this conversation.

At work, I have discussed our infertility with a few co-workers, but not everyone.  There’s really only one person that I feel completely comfortable speaking about it with.

I work with  a bunch of “fixers”.  They are therapists after all.  Vision therapists, but still therapists.

So whenever the subject of our infertility even begins to surface, I try to shut it down pretty quickly because there is nothing that anyone I work with can do to fix me or our situation, yet they think offering their suggestions are helpful.

When this conversation came up at lunch yesterday, I squirmed and cringed.

My co-worker then went on to say that she had tried for two years to get pregnant with her first and taking her temperature was then the thing that helped her get pregnant.

And then she suggested that maybe she should give me her thermometer because “everyone that has tried this has gotten pregnant.”

Right.

I very clearly pointed out that I had already tried taking my temp to track my cycles years ago and that our issues were far greater than not knowing when I ovulate.

{Plus, I would NEVER take a used thermometer.  If I didn’t already have a few, I would just go and buy my own if I really wanted one.}

Another co-worker made a comment about the timing not being good for us right now if we were to get pregnant.

Thanks.

Like I didn’t know that.

I definitely did not need it pointed out.

I again, very clearly, pointed out that if we were blessed with a miracle pregnancy, that we would make it work.

These women mean well, but they have no idea what they are talking about and how their comments are making me feel.  There is a very clear reason why I do not discuss my infertility at work.

Being that Mother’s Day is tomorrow, I’ve been very on edge this week and that conversation could not have come at a worse time!

I’ve been feeling anxious, lonely, depressed, needy.

Yet, I will not mention this to anyone in my life.

My feelings will be suppressed and kept to myself and I guess that’s why I’m writing them out here.

I don’t have anyone in my every day life that has any idea of what I’m feeling, not even my hubby.

Anxious because it’s going to be Mother’s Day and I’m infertile.

Lonely because I feel like I have no one I can talk to.  Over the years, I have felt like I have put more effort into friendships than my friends so now I have stopped putting in the time and my friends aren’t attempting to put in the time either so we never see or talk to each other.  Plus they are all busy being ‘Mom’ so they have no time for their infertile friend that makes them {unintentionally} feel uncomfortable.

Depressed because I’m nowhere close to being called ‘Mom’…And tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Needy because I want to see all my friends, talk to my friends, spend time with my friends and I feel very green with envy over my friends’ friends that they spend time with.  And I absolutely hate that I feel this way!

And tomorrow is Mother’s Day, I’m not a mom, will not be a mom for a VERY freaking long time {as if it hasn’t already been a really freaking long time}, and it’s bringing out all these stupid feelings in me!

{I hate feeling this way and I hate even more that I’m expressing them “out loud”!}

I love my mom and my mother-in-law and all of my friends that are mom’s, but I hate this holiday and how it makes me feel so inadequate and how it brings out the worst in me.

I read a post yesterday that was so eloquently written about how pastors can make non-mom’s feel badly on Mother’s Day in their honoring of the all of the mom’s out there.  I wish I could be just as eloquent, but I’m afraid this post is so not like that.  However, the feeling is the same.  I won’t be going to church tomorrow, because it’s Mother’s Day and I’m not a mom.

photo by: aftab.
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Comments

  1. Kelly Watson says:

    I’ve been feeling similarly lately… Avoiding conversations, leaving the room quickly when the subject turns to children/babies, feeling that no one understands, feeling lonely and weepy…. Wondering when it will be my turn. Usually, I’m just fine. Infertility is always on my mind, but I’m usually positive and hopeful. This time of year, it’s quite the opposite. You are not alone.

    • (((HUGS))) for you! It sucks to feel this way, but I think it’s perfectly fine to actually FEEL our feelings! We have to do what we have to do for self-preservation during this time.

  2. Michael says:

    You are a mother, just maybe not in the literal sense yet. You are caring, thoughtful and full of love. You are a mother of creativity and inspiration.
    Keep the faith that you will get the Mother’s Day you’ve always dreamed of.

  3. You do have great perspective. People do mean well. I have to remind myself.

    I’m 43 and single. The only dream I have ever had is to be a wife and mother.

    People ask, “Don’t you WANT to get married?”
    I want to respond, “Are you an idiot?”
    I don’t.

    Church on Mother’s Day is always hard for me. Today wasn’t horrible. I’m all for honoring mothers. Good grief, they are so deserving of that honor! But it is so hard to just sit there as they are honored. I sit near friends walking through years and years of infertility and hurt for them. THEN I feel guilty for even struggling. Vicious cycle.

    Megan, I’m sorry for the fixers. I get it, but I’m sorry.

    • (((HUGS))) for you, too! Some of the things that comes out of peoples mouths just leave me dumbfounded. Sounds like you have certainly heard your fair share of idiotic comments too!

      I completely agree that mother’s are deserving of the honor, but sitting in church doesn’t make it easy. So I just avoid it. :)

  4. I can definitely commiserate on this subject. I had dinner with friends the other day when one announced her pregnancy. They all proceeded to say things like just you wait. Well I can’t wait, I’ve been waiting and it sucks. I then proceeded to give them all my gruesome infertility details in an attempt to stop the comments. Unfortunately that back fired into advice on what would help me. I have read books and articles and blogs and seen doctors and acupuncturists. I’ve taken vitamins, herbs and medicine, i think I know what might and might not work better then them.
    Also I ran errands today and all the well meaning people kept wishing me a happy mothers day so that was rough. At this point the day is over and we have 364 days before we need to dread it again. Hang in there, and know you’re not alone.

    • Oh gosh! See, this is why “fixers” are so frustrating! Sometimes we just need an ear and a shoulder to lean on instead of all of the advice that is not going to help or change our situation / diagnosis! I’m so sorry that you had to sit through that conversation! (((HUGS)))

  5. Oh Megan, I so wish you weren’t still here – still waiting, still praying, still hoping for the miracle that you so ridiculously deserve. It freaking breaks my heart, and makes me so ridiculously angry on your behalf. I’m here, anytime you need an ear. I promise to not try to fix a thing!

  6. Mother’s Day will probably always be hard for me, I am finding some light within it this year. I wrote a post myself called The Complicated Grey on it. Thank for your words and the courage to share them! Justine

  7. Corey Moore says:

    I’m a little late to this, but I am thoroughly enjoying reading through your blog! I’ve recently reached that point where I am realizing how isolated I feel and how frequently I get left out of things because I don’t have children. Worse yet, I’ve lost (or separated myself from) my bestie because of the big production she made announcing her 3rd pregnancy and topped it off with a, “and we weren’t even trying!” comment to my hubby and me. It just plain sucks- glad to know I’m not the only one who feels these things.

  8. Kay Metcow says:

    I think your post was eloquent compared to my thoughts that are all jumbled and much more crass. AHHH the fixers… I had a friend offer to be my surrogate… and the same one telling me to adopt. Lord help me not to go off.

    My story briefly… well as brief as it can be.

    I’m a 30 year old married Christian mother of one beautiful 8 year old. I started early thinking I would have my lot. My now husband and I dated 2 years before marriage and I didn’t sweat the fact there was no pregnancy because I kind of wanted to wait for marriage and my masters. Fast forward through 2 years of marriage and 24 months of “could this symptom be our first child together? ” I have my good days and then I have those days where I have absolutely no hope. I pray for just hope and faith. SMH I really don’t know what is going on

  9. Take vitamin B6 800mg/day for 30 days each day.. you WILL get pregnant (try to get the B6 that is 200mg/pill.. then you only have to take 4 pills per day). It has worked for some who have tried many times with invitro. I took B6 like this 3 times to concieve! Kids are 10, 8 and 7 :-) Also know your 2-3 days of the month when you are “ready”… it is a small window and a clue is you are usually “gooey” down there with clear stuff that tells you that you are “ready”…usually the same time each month. …keep us posted!

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