The Long, Seemingly Endless, Road

November is always a strange month for me.

For most, it’s the month to think back on all that you’re thankful for.

For me, it’s the month that adds another year to our infertility journey.

Coming up very soon, that ticker will turn from 10 to 11.

11 years of trying to have a baby.

Never, did I ever see my quest to becoming ‘mommy’ taking this long.

Growing up, it was what I always wanted to be.

Mommy.

That hope and dream hasn’t changed, but our reality has.

 

I want to be the mama with little ones crawling all over me, vying for my attention.

I want to be the one that gets to cuddle them and kiss their boo-boos.

I want to be the one that gets to rock them to sleep while watching their angelic faces as they rest peacefully.

I want to be the one that gets to give them a bath and smell their freshly washed heads as they cuddle into me.

I want to be the one to love them for all of eternity.

Them.  The ones that don’t exist.

As it stands, those dreams are just that.  Dreams.

Things that I watch friends and family do as they grow their families.  Some with troubles getting pregnant, most, though, doing so easily.

Through the years, I’ve had my ups and downs.  I’ve had my times of getting mad and bitter and annoyed.  Times of being sad and crying.  Times, too, of allowing myself to be happy for the ones I love.

Right now, I’m resolved to our situation.  I don’t like it, but there is absolutely nothing that we can do about it.  So, I’m resolved and somewhat content.

Do you know that the last time that we did any sort of infertility treatments was in 2007?

Do you know how long ago that seems?!

Like an eternity!

Kyle and I have had many conversations about where we think we’ll go and what we’ll do and when we’ll be able to focus our attention, again, on pursuing treatments.

Because Kyle is a full time student, and we live with his parents, we really, honest-to-God, cannot even think about doing anything right now.  And for the next few years. {cry!}

(Seriously, who in their right mind is going to allow us to pass a home study when we live in 200 sq. ft.?!  Where would we even  put a baby?!}

I am 34.  35 is ‘Advanced Maternal Age’ as I mentioned the other day.  But the time we’re able to move forward in ANY direction, I’m going to be 36 or 37 years old!

And because we have ‘unexplained infertility’, who knows what that really means for our chances of success, if we go the IVF route.

Kyle feels that as soon as he’s done with college, things are going to happen for us.  I’m not exactly sure what he thinks is going to happen.  I know I’m not going to just magically get pregnant, that’s for sure!  But he just feels in his heart that our time is coming.

We have talked about IVF, embryo adoption and traditional adoption.

Honesty, we just want a family, in any way that kids come to us.

If I had my CHOICE in the matter, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have a biological child.  HOWEVER, I don’t know how likely that is going to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I will love any child that comes into our lives with every fiber of my being.

My first choice is IVF.  I know that there is lots of controversy about all the drugs and hormones that you need to fill your body with in order to do IVF, but at this point, I’m ok with that.

Second choice is embryo adoption, because I want to be pregnant more than anything in this life.  If I can’t have a biological child, at least I’d be able to experience pregnancy {hopefully}.

Third choice is traditional adoption, just because I want to be pregnant and obviously, with traditional adoption, that is impossible.

Kyle keeps telling me that whether we have children through pregnancy or adoption that we don’t have to try IVF first.  That we can always try that after we adopt the traditional way.  He figures at least going that route, we’d get a child in the end, while with IVF or embryo adoption, there is no guarantee.

My heart is torn.

I understand {logically} where he’s coming from and it makes total and complete sense, but I just can’t give up the dream of trying to get pregnant.  I need to know that we tried everything!

Basically, it’s all going to come down to money {doesn’t everything?!}.

I guess we’ll just have to see where the road takes us and follow our hearts when the time comes.

Thankfully, and this is the biggest, hugest, most awesome blessing in our lives, we have recently gotten some large sums of money that are going directly into some sort of account {that has yet to be determined}, as our ‘baby fund’.  This money is going to be untouchable until we are ready to pursue “getting a baby”.  Up until this point, we have not been able to do one single, solitary thing, to achieve our dream of becoming ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’, because of our lack of funds.

I’m telling you, the past several years have been quite the rollercoaster and surviving the ride has been the most important.  Our desire for parenthood has not dwindled, but we’ve been at a stalemate unable to move forward.

The next three years are going to be soooo very long, but will also go quickly {as the last two have flown by} and then we’re praying that Kyle gets a kick-ass job that is able to move us out of this valley we’ve been in.

Move us out of our dreams and into the reality of sleepless nights and poopy diapers!

We’re ready whenever Jesus gives us the green light!

So, that’s where we stand.

The road to nowhere at the moment but ready to walk forward when the time is right.

 

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{From Pinterest, original source unknown}

 

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Comments

  1. Fellow Infertile Myrtle says:

    I have been reading your story and want you to know, you are not alone. I went back and read your story from the very beginning. I couldn’t help but be concerned with the fact your doctor only had you take Clomid as an oral medication. My fertility specialist does Letrizole and HcG trigger shots to make sure your eggs are released. There are other options without doing IVF to have your very own biological child. There are other oral medications and injectable medications they can do in combination. I will be praying for you and your husband. We got lucky with our health insurance and it pays everything for our fertility. Check into that too. I too have a blog, http://kristieandbrandon.blogspot.com. God bless you!

    • Hi Kristie, when we very first started doing anything, I took 4 rounds of clomid without monitoring. When we moved onto the RE, we did 3 rounds of IUI with Clomid and HcG trigger. We’ll definitely research everything more when the time comes. 🙂 Thanks for your prayers and for stopping by! I’ll check out your blog.

  2. Have you and your partner tried doing a natural fertility cleanse? It could prepare you before conception. A couple of friends who had PCOS and unexplained tried it and were able to conceive and carry to full term. Let’s use the old blocked sink analogy. Most of us would use tools or detergent to remove the blockage before pouring any other liquid down it first. The body is no different, supplements, vitamins, acupuncture and massage are all fantastic but detoxing, cleansing before is paramount. Try this site for further information http://plantogetpregnant.net. Good luck and never stop dreaming.

  3. Have you ever tried taking Avlimil? It’s an OTC supplement and it’s what worked for me. I have PCOS and my OBGYN told me I would need fertility drugs to concieve. I started takin Avlimil for an unrelated issue and within 7 months I was pregnant.

    My OB was SHOCKED. It’s worth a try and much cheaper than any fertility treatment.

  4. Hi. I don’t know how I came to look at your website but hang in there. I married late and my husband and I thought things would happen naturally right away. Nothing for years. I ended up going thru 8 different doctors before my IVF finally worked. All those years we had been paying out of pocket for all those treatments (by the way I got really heavy on all the hormones) and the last miracle that gave us our son took only a copay! I went on the regular course of drugs but had my heart shaped uterus “repaired” and took a diabetic drug that enhances fertility (strange side effect) and went on a special diet. It worked. My son is 11 now and we had another miracle baby 17 months later naturally. By that time being well over 40, I had all types of complications with him (the drs recommended I abort-no way) that I actually decided to have my tubes tied. So don’t loose hope…God has a plan!

  5. Still Hoping says:

    Thank you for sharing your feelings, Megan. Sometimes even when there are potential solutions, its hard having that feeling of doubt that things might never work out. I am working on keeping my doubt out, but its pretty difficult sometimes. So, lets keep hoping, you and me!
    I will pray for you to get your dreams.

  6. it took us 7 years to have a sweet baby girl. all all all I wanted was to be pregnant. after going though this journey and now cuddling my 9 month old at 3 am tonight I have to say…id spend the money a 100x over.

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