It’s Difficult. Really, Really Difficult

Today I’m linking up with Kelly at Kelly’s Korner for her Show Us Your Life: Infertility.  I had a conversation with my mom last night and what better time to tell you about it and some other things than now?

If you’re visiting me for the first time, I guess the short of it is that my hubby Kyle and I have been TTC for 9 years.  9 LOOONNNGGGG years!  We’ve done acupuncture, herbs, diet change, SA’s, HSG, IUI…pretty much everything under the sun, it seems, except IVF or adoption, which are basically our only options now.  We have Unexplained Infertility, which is just a really sucky diagnosis.  So many unanswered questions.

Last night I had dinner with my mom.  I haven’t seen her recently so we just wanted to catch up and have some girl time together.  I was updating her on all of our life-happenings as of late and I was also telling her how I just have an extraordinary amount of anxiety right now, mostly related to my two recent accidents {July and February}.  I told her that it’s at an all time high these days and how I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack whenever I’m in the car.  She was then telling me about her church and a series that her pastor is preaching on right now.  She feels that I would greatly benefit from it, in more ways than one {the different characteristics of God and how each one applies to us, if you’d like to listen in, start with January: here}.

I receive emails from you wonderful readers once or twice a week telling me about your stories.  I got one last week from someone that wanted to know how I’m able to cope with this journey and how my relationship with God has changed during it.

I had to be honest and tell her that I feel like I’ve been mad at God for a long time so I guess I’ve pushed him away instead of drawing closer to him.  I’ve prayed for so, so, SO long to have a baby and it hasn’t happened and we don’t know why and all we want to be is parents.  I haven’t felt like investing in my relationship with Jesus because he’s not answering my prayers.

As I was telling this to my mom, she told me that just yesterday morning when she was praying for me, God revealed to her that she needs to help me get through this anger and anxiety because she herself spent so many years angry at God after her and my dad’s divorce, and she doesn’t want me to waste my life being mad.  I don’t know how this is all going to play out.  I don’t know how my mom is going to help me.  I don’t think she herself knows either just that maybe she just needs to be an ear and an encouragement to me when I’m down.  I guess time will tell.  But as we were sitting in a Thai restaurant, with tears in her eyes, she was showing me verses that I’ve heard a million times but hadn’t paid much attention to.

One being: Philippians 4: 6 & 7 – (6) Do not be anxious about anything but, in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  (7) And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This verse she was showing me for my anxiety, but I think it can be directed towards our TTC journey, too.

It’s SO hard for me though!  I feel like I’ve prayed about our situation till I’m blue in the face but it’s never enough.  I’m still letting my mom’s words sink in so I haven’t worked through it all yet, but she was saying that she understands that it’s hard but there has to be a purpose.  I say I just want to know what that purpose is RIGHT NOW!  I just want God to TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO instead of waiting any longer.  As my mom was pointing out, Jesus wants me to spend time with him.  Then he’ll be able to reveal his plans, in His timing.  But if I’m not giving him the opportunity, how will he be able to show me?  I guess she has a point, huh?

This person that emailed me last week had just found out that another friend is pregnant.  I completely understand that gut-wrenching, sick feeling.  I told her that I, too, just found out about a couple different pregnancies.  One of my best friends is pregnant with #2.  I love her to death and I’m happy for her but that doesn’t make it any easier.  I had the intuition that she was going to tell us she was pregnant.  I just knew.  I almost called her the day before we were going to get together to tell her that if she was going to tell us she was pregnant, could she just tell me then, but I didn’t.  But I was the first one to notice the “Big Sister” shirt on her little girl.  I put on a happy face and told her congratulations.  It’s not that often that I’m able to say ‘Congratulations’.  That one word is SO HARD for me to say!  But I did it, and with a smile.

Then I was talking to my aunt shortly after that and she told me that my cousin and his wife are pregnant.  She said that they tried for “awhile”.  They’ve been married less than 3 years and it was around Thanksgiving when my aunt asked my cousin if there was anything she could be praying about for them and that’s when they told her they’d been TTC and hadn’t yet.  It’s now March and they’re about 10 or so weeks along.  I’m guessing they tried for about a year, which when you’re in the thick of it, feels like an eternity, but I guess I still have a hard time feeling too badly for someone that, in the grand scheme of things, hasn’t tried all that long.  Don’t get me wrong, maybe there are medical issues that were preventing them from getting pregnant, hopefully not, but…anyway, I told my aunt I was happy for them.  Doesn’t mean I didn’t feel like I’d been punched in the gut.

I’m on a bit of a rollercoaster right now.  SO many things going on and so many emotions with it all.  There is no end to our infertility in sight.  On our 10th Anniversary, Kyle and I were sitting in a dimly-lit restaurant talking about infertility.  Not how we had these kids that we were so proud of or all of the things we’d accomplished in 10 years of marriage, but of how we were child-less and how we didn’t know where we were going on this road.  What we would do if we came into a sum of money, would we try to adopt or would we do IVF…we still don’t know.  It just made me sad that we’ve been TTC for basically our entire marriage.  Our timelines are different from each other, but I told Kyle regardless of how long he thinks we’ve been TTC or how long I think we’ve been TTC, it’s still a frickin long time! One thing he told me that was nice to hear was that even though he doesn’t show emotions regarding our infertility very often, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it or long to have kids, too.  He’s hurting as well and he doesn’t want me to feel like I’m in it alone.  Finally, some confirmation, because, honestly, a lot of the time I DO feel like I’m in this alone.  It was great that he was able to share that with me.

Apparently I’ve got a few things to say today…I just haven’t written about any of this in depth for some time and I’ve been needing to “verbalize” it.  I guess today was the day. 😉

{Via}

 

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Comments

  1. I know the feelings you’re having and we all want God to answer our prayers with a YES, but remember, sometimes God answers our prayers with a no. You may be shutting Him out bc he didn’t give you the answer you wanted, and you may be losing out on a blessing He has in store for you. That’s so hard to hear and accept, but pray that God will open and close doors where He sees necessary. I will pray you will try and strengthen your relationship with Christ so you can better hear His voice and listen to His plan for you. God loves us and sent His ONLY son, Jesus to die for our sins so that we could spend eternity with Him. He loves you and wants that restored relationship! Keep pressing on and trust Him!

  2. I’m glad you were able to open up about it. Not talking about it, doesn’t mean you aren’t thinking about it. Just getting it out of your head can help.

    I’m sorry your path to parenthood has been so long and stressful. I am going on three years and it feels like an eternity.

    I hope that you find a path that works for you soon. I know how hard the wait can be.

  3. My too best friends both got pregnant after adopting. And I have heard of that happening a lot. Just a thought.

    This journey of yours has been a long one…and my heart goes out to you and your husband Megan.

    Love and continued prayers,
    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  4. Heather said:
    Oh Megan it breaks my heart to hear the sadness in your post. We experienced years of infertility and were finally blessed with our miracle 2 weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary. However it wouldn’t have been possible if a lady I “met” online hadn’t donated her left over injectable meds to us. I think of all the stars the had to align in order for me to be online at the right time to “meet” her. For her to choose us to donate to and for them to work for us. I am thankful for her every day for almost 12 years now. I never got her full name or address so I only could email her that we were successful then I never heard from her again. I am sure it was hard for her to hear we were successful where she wasn’t. I was then able to pass along the meds I had left to another lady and she conceived multiples. I wish the site was still up helping make miracles but alas I understand why it is not. We went on after our son to adop t 4 siblings over 4 years from foster care. Our house is crazy and chaotic but still every month I wonder if maybe still we will be blessed with a miracle. I hope one day to log on to see you post of your miracle has arrived however he/she comes to you. Until then know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope your wait is short. Big hugs Heather

    Cynthia said:
    You are blessed with a pretty fantastic Mom! Having a good support system is critical and you clearly have it!

    We did not suffer as long with infertility as you two have but that is due, in part, to our decision to be extremely aggressive with treatment and to give up everything we had in the pursuit of it. That may or may not be your road.

    I think your desire to draw closer to God rather than farther is sound. However, the ‘wait for him to reveal his plan’ sounds too much like avoidance to me. Instead, i would encourage you to start down the road then ask him when you need to “turn”- don’t sit paralyzed in the parking lot waiting for instructions. You cannot see where the road leads when your still sitting in the parking lot.

    The truth is you KNOW what you need to do next- adoption or IVF- but it’s scary to face it. I know that from personal experience. The less expensive option of “embryo adoption” is also a possibility. The problem you have to solve is not what to do but rather how to pay for it? Start there. Explore all options simultaneously and ask Him to steer your heart toward the right one. I wish you every good thing that you so richly deserve!

  5. I am very sorry about your infertility struggle and all these hard feelings you’re dealing with. I can relate all too well (unfortunately). In fact, I just read some of this to my husband and couldn’t believe how similar our stories. we’ve been trying for 7 yrs and also diagnosed with unexplained. It is very frustrating and so hard every single day. it’s especially hard to celebrate anniversaries and holidays etc… i’m also dealing with the anger and anxiety part and not sure how to more forward. we just had this conversation today after church. anyway, i just wanted to comment and tell you we’ll be praying for you and your husband. I pray the Lord will lead you in the right direction whether be ivf or adoption.

    Desiree

  6. Megan, Feels like forever since I’ve visited your blog. This one caught my eye and it had to come from God. I read your two posts about your accidents. So glad your okay. That is scary stuff. Your moms dream hit me hard, I started crying and said to myself “Give me your anger, let me carry it for you.” I hadn’t even gotten to the part where you were both crying!
    There must be some connection from God that we don’t know about. I read a post yesterday from Jessica who I hadn’t read in forever either. I know there is hope. ((HUGS))

  7. Just found your blog today for the first time. My husband and I have been TTC for a first child for almost 5 years now. I am 34 years old and a Christian. I, too, was angry with God for a few years. Now I’m closer to Him and trusting Him more, and it makes all the difference to me. Sometimes He is ALL I have to cling to when this baby stuff gets so hard. I’ve come to realize, He has a plan for me (for you, too!) and it’s a mystery, isn’t it? But I aim to trust Him and it’s okay to share my grief with Him when I sure don’t understand His plans so far. Today, I was in tears asking Him to reconsider if His plan is for my husband and I to remain childless. Went to a 2-year-old’s birthday party this weekend and it was really tough to bear. Do you have a book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young? It calms me during this trial…if you get it, I hope it does the same for you. Hang in there…

  8. I haven’t been online in awhile and felt lead to check yours out today and was reading back a few days. This is so awesome how much you shared and opened up and it is super encouraging to hear your honesty about everything. I relate to you in pretty much everything you wrote (even the panic attacks in the car after 2 accidents in a row! Mine were both in Dec!). I’ve been having a super hard time lately too about the unexplained infertility subject and realized this past week I need to just let go of trying to “protect” myself by hardening myself up and preparing for the idea that what if it’s not in God’s plan for me to have kids. I’ve decided to instead have hope again and just let go. I realized me “protecting” myself from the hurt was just actually causing me hurt in the present. The past few days have been good for me so far! 🙂 I was also going to tell you about the book Jesus Calling…I’ve been reading it and it’s amazing. Anyways- loved reading your openness. So funny how you can feel so connected to someone over such a crazy subject…but sometimes it really does feel like everyone else in the world is pregnant or has kids. Nice to know I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing.

  9. I wanted to share with you that I just did a series on suffering with my sister in law on her blog: http://heartofacoachswife.blogspot.com/2012/03/series-on-suffering-miscarriage-and.html this story is about my infertility and miscarriage. I also talk about my anger and how I deal with it on a daily basis. My blog is: jamidawnperona.blogspot.com. I told you the wrong address in my last comment.

  10. Thank you Katie, good reminders and I really appreciate your prayers!

    Thanks Alissa! You’re right, it’s good to just get it out of my head. You yourself have been through so much. I know you understand. <3

    Linda, I’ve heard that happening a lot too. And we’re not opposed to adopting “first” either. There are just a lot of things in the way right now and I just don’t think that adoption is in the cards at the moment. I appreciate your prayers!

    Heather, thank you for sharing your story! That’s so awesome that everything lined up at just the right time for you. So glad you were able to see your dreams come true and how awesome would that be if one day you received your miracle?! 🙂 I hope you log on one day to see that we’ve received our miracle baby, too!

    Thanks Cynthia, great analogy! Really puts it in perspective! And yes, we’re open to embryo adoption as well. One way or another we’ll get our baby.

    Desiree, I’m sorry that you can relate all too well, but at the same time it’s nice to know that we’ve got others that know what we’re going through. Thanks for your prayers! I’ll be praying for you as well!

    Debbie, long time no see. 🙂 I’m so glad that you stopped by and thank you for your prayers!! <3

    Robin, I’m sorry you know this pain all too well! Prayers for you as well! On your recommendation I purchased Jesus Calling and I’m REALLY loving it! Thank you SO much for telling me about it!! I read it every morning before I get out of bed and every day it seems to speak to exactly what I’m going through and feeling!

    Thanks Lindsey! It’s crazy how, at times, we can totally and completely relate to someone on so many levels! I’m sorry that you’re going through this too! I understand about trying to protect our hearts and the feeling cold and hard. Definitely not how I want to live my life. Thanks for sharing your heart, too!

    Thanks Jami! I’ll check it out! 🙂

  11. oh. my sweet friend. I never quite know how to approach people dealing with infertility out of fear that they will think, ” what can a mom with 9 kids possibly understand about it?”
    BUT, we tried for 10 years before having E&W and it was 10 years of agony and sadness and the most depression I had ever felt (until he cheated and had a baby with HER.
    The awful part of my “unexplained infertility” was that EVERYONE told me I had no right to be sad. No right to care. That I should just give up because I had kids.

    And, granted, I had 7 kids.
    2 biological and then suddenly, I couldn’t get pregnant.

    It hurt to be told I shouldn’t hurt 🙁

    I don’t mean to diminish what you’re feeling. Just want you to know I understand it.
    It is one of the loneliest feelings in the world 🙁

    I think of you all the time and pray for you. Often.

  12. Debi, people really do become tongue-tied sometimes, don’t they? I understand not knowing what to say to us infertile’s. Everyone will take certain comments differently so it is hard to know what to say.

    But you’re right, it is a very lonely road. Especially when EVERYONE around you has kids and doesn’t have a clue about what you’re feeling or going through.

    Thank you for your prayers, Friend! They mean more to me than you know! <3

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