Disconnected & Infertility

Feeling disconnected from family, friends, online friends, blog, God.

Has infertility done this to me?

Am I walking through the motions just bidding my time? bidding my time for what? A baby, a family that’s more than my honey and my animals?

It’s pretty evident that this whole baby thang isn’t going to happen naturally.

I made a comment the other night when my inlaws were talking about having Kyle’s gramma sell her house now and give the grand kids (us) our inheritance so she could see our happy faces and I said something along the lines of if we had that money we could give you guys some grandkids. I got crickets.

Our life isn’t exactly on hold. We’re not NOT doing things because we’re just waiting for a baby to come along, although we did that at the beginning. But i feel like we (I’m) just walking through life with no destination in sight.

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I find that when I’m around babies, I don’t oohhh and aahhh over them as much as I used to.  I don’t try to hold them, ask to hold them and people don’t hand them to me.  I’ve distanced myself.  Self-preservation?  Probably.

I’m not the same person I used to be.  I still think that I’m fun and I’ve got a sense of humor, but infertility has changed me.  I’ve never been all that outgoing, unless I’m completely comfortable, but I think in some ways I’ve become closed off.  I’m disconnected and I don’t necessarily like it.

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