What IF…We Never Have The Money…


As part of Project IF with RESOLVE and Stirrup Queens for NIAW I’ve been thinking about my What IF. I’ve been reading the list on Stirrup Queens and shaking my head in agreement with so many of the What IF’s listed. But the one that I’m going to expand on is this:

What if we never have the money to pursue more treatments and/or adoption and I never get the chance to be a mommy?

At this moment, I’m sitting here with a heating pad on my abdomen after having taken three ibuprofen. I’ve got cramps that are trying to beat the meds in a competition of either making me more miserable than I am or making me feel better just in the nick of time. So far the cramps are winning.

I’ve sort of been avoiding writing this post.

I feel like I’ve already said the same things over and over and over again and what could I say that’s different from previous posts?

I still don’t know so I’m just going to write and see what comes out.

As I’ve said before…

I’m in denial.

We have no money.

I’m not in denial about that. It’s our reality.

After 7.5 years of TTC you would think that we’d have a better understanding of where we are in this journey.

We don’t.

Yes, we’ve grown in this process, but I think it’s more we’ve just gotten older and hopefully wiser. We see things a bit differently than we did back at the beginning.

Back when we first started to try we had no idea, other than my gut feeling, that we’d have issues conceiving.

We lived in a teeny-tiny house. Literally. It was 750 sq. ft. Every room had two doors and you could walk in a circle through the house in mere seconds.

Back then, when we first got married, we even used condoms. *gasp*

That didn’t last very long though because we wanted to expand our family. Me probably more than Kyle. After all, we were only 22/23. I was anxious to get started and Kyle was fine with waiting but he went along with it to make me happy.

Neither one of us made very much but we were able to pay our bills and that was fine.

After the first year, we moved into Kyle’s grandma’s house since she wasn’t going to be living there any more {she was going into an assisted living home}. We lived there rent-free for three years.

And during that time, we started to realize that this getting pregnant thing wasn’t going to be as easy as we thought.

If we knew then what we know now and if we had gone through with our plan to save the money that we *had* used for rent previously, we would likely be in a better financial position.

But we were dumb, young and naive and we did not save.

Even when we started the beginning stages of fertility treatments aka Clomid and semen analysis, we still didn’t save.

We pretty much bought things we wanted while at the same time feeling guilty for not saving. But our wants were greater than our guilt, I guess.

Later on, after having owned our current home for about a year, we went to refinance it to 1. get lower payments and 2. so that we could take out some equity to get started on the real deal fertility treatments. Unfortunately, our dreams were crushed when the mortgage company wouldn’t refinance our house because we used two checking accounts at the time and transferred between the two and so Kyle’s paychecks were not considered “original” money in our joint account, therefore making it seem like we didn’t make enough. If you ask me, I think that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and I’m still pissed about it a few years later.

And these days, as much as we would LOVE to save money, our bills just outweigh what we actually bring in and there is nothing left to save.

Therefore, no fertility treatments.

Three years ago when we were able to do three IUI’s it was because we were able to get a very small line of credit {that barely covered HALF of ONE IUI} and my mom also loaned us some money.

I absolutely hate asking for money and feeling the need to rely on others to “fight our battles” aka pay for our treatments, so after the third IUI, that was the end of that.

Some people think that “just adopting” is going to be the easy way out but it’s just not that easy. If anything, it’s even more complicated than doing fertility treatments because you have to do an enormous amount of paperwork as well as come up with money to cover everything involved.

So we do nothing.

I’d hoped that at this point in our lives that we would have more money to our name, but it’s just hasn’t happened that way.

It stresses me out and we’re always worried about paying our bills.

So I think that I have a very valid What IF because we really don’t know if we ever will have the money to do anything else. And that scares me to death because the thing that I’ve wanted more than anything else in this life is to be a mommy and I don’t ever know if my dream is going to come true.

Yes, I pray and pray and pray and I still have hope {surprisingly} but we really don’t know what the future holds.

And we’re not getting any younger. Can we just stop time? Pretty please? lol

I don’t think we’ll ever stop trying. At least until we’re old and gray and I’ve entered menopause. haha!

I know that we’ll find happiness in this world, but I don’t know if we’ll ever be truly happy without kids filling our home and our lives.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

For now, Chewy is our baby and we’ll continue to spoil him.

For more information on understanding infertility click here. To find out more about RESOLVE and National Infertility Awareness Week click here.

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Comments

  1. Oh, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I just did 2 posts on my blog about my infertility struggles. It sucks, I know. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better except that I’ll say a prayer for you and send good vibes your way 🙂

  2. Oh. This made me so sad to read. Money can be such a pain can’t it. My husband wants to wait for a baby until we have more money! I feel concerned about waiting because we are not getting any younger!

    I hope that your dreams come true one day soon! Adoption is such a wonderful thing. It is not as expensive if you do it in state. We just had some friends adopt and after all of their tax credits and other allowances, they only paid about 1,000 🙂 YAY for that.

    Good luck!

  3. Happy Saturday Sharefest..

    I’m SO sorry to read of your struggles. And of course I hope your dream of becoming a mommy happens for you.

    One of my close girlfriends shared her struggle with infertility on my blog. I’m sure you can relate to a lot of what she said.

  4. I’m terribly sorry…I know your pain, and I know what your feeling, because once I felt that way. I hope that someday your dreams will come true.
    *hugs*

  5. Hi…I just clicked over to your blog from Jennepper’s “Maybe if you just relax”. Anyway, I only read this one post and I know I might have missed a post where you may have discussed this. BUT, I felt compelled to write anyway. My husband and I did our IVF cycle at Cooper Center for IVF in New Jersey. They have a shared donor program, whereby I donated half of the eggs they retrieved during my cycle to another couple in exchange for substantially reduced cost IVF. So basically we paid travel, hotel, and I think about $1000. The couple who chose me as a donor paid for everything else, including all of my injectable meds. They retrieved 20 eggs during my cycle and we kept 10 and the other couple got 10. It made the whole process sooooo affordable and my husband and I felt amazing for being able to help another couple out. Egg donation can be a difficult decision, but it was nice to only have to go through one cycle and just be able to split everything. In the end, I had to go through 2 FET’s (I hyperstimulated and couldn’t do a fresh transfer), but I ended up with triplet girls. Triplets sound awful to anyone who has never had them. But I wouldn’t change our life for the world. So, I’m sorry if I offended you with this suggestion, but I had never heard of egg sharing programs and think this information could help a lot of people out there. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions. Cernanecs@gmail.com

    Crystal

  6. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I struggled with infertility with my second husband for 6 long years. It feels terrible!

    I’m praying for you….

  7. Such a hard place to be in your life – I am really hoping for you two to be parents, I know you will be so great at it!

  8. I am 38 now and our infertility problem is in the past. I have many friends who have suffered. EVERY SINGLE ONE who wanted it badly enough, found a path to s parenthood. Each one of us found a different path but we all found one that worked for us.

    I know that coming up with the money is hard. It’s not fair that you have to sacrifice everything for something others get for free but that is your reality.

    In our case, we moved 2 states away so my husband could take a higher paying job. We gave up our home, living by family, our friends and left half our worldly posessions in storage. We gave up almost everything we loved, valued or owned. THAT was the price God asked of us. And we paid it.

    What are you willing to sacrifice? I know it seems almost biblical but it is what it is. Some states require infertility coverage- RESOLVE can tell you which. Are you willing to move there if you have to? Adoption is outrageously expensive but there are alternatives.

    It may be that you do nothing because you’re afraid to find out the answer- afraid of what price may be required- at least that’s how it was for me. If you DON’T go through treatment, then it’s a potential solution out there in front of you and you avoid the ‘no’ answer. There is hope but not progress.

    I don’t know what sacrifices will be required of you but I KNOW there is path to parenthood for you. You need to find the courage to do what God will require. Ask him. Pray for the wisdom to ACT, to accept whatever path is needed and the courage to move forward.

    We were rewarded for our sacrifice- that’s the amazing thing about God. We returned home to our same house 16 months after we had moved away. We came back a family of 4 with our little twins. The job he had taken up there made it possible to get a better one back here and thus I was able to be a stay-at-home mom with the babies- it wouldn’t have been possible without the move. We had absolutely EVERYTHING restored to us and more. Utterly amazing. But the reward came AFTER the sacrifice.

    He has a similar gift waiting for you. Be courageous. Step outside your comfort zone. Find out your options and pursue them all. Be creative. Research. Pray. I wish you every success and hope you will soon find the beautiful children that are meant for you to have.

  9. I think this is a very valid “What If?”

    I have heard there are organizations to which you can apply for a grant to pay for fertility expenses. Also, adoption has many such grants and coverage from employers. I know it’s tough, and it may be awhile, but I do believe somehow…. something could work out. I am so sorry that it means waiting for longer.

  10. The finances are terrifying. I had panic attacks this weekend wondering if I am making the right decisions. It is just all such a scary leap. Your What IF is completely valid, but I have faith that an answer will present itself. I believe that you will be a mommy; and an amazing one at that!

  11. I just want you to know that there are people out there who have set up foundations to take the whole “what if I don’t have money?” out of the equation for pursuing fertility treatments or adoption.

    If you would like more info on that, please email me.

    Xox,
    Karin

  12. I am sorry about your fertility problems. I never thought I would ever EVER have a baby and that we would have to adopt. So when I had totally given up and we had moved on with our plans in our life, that is when it happened. I know how crappy it is to hear that from “stupid pregnant” (I used to call pregnant women many a names when I wasn’t one of them, so I totally understand) women, but I know that it will happen for you. We had tried for 4 years before we had a pregnancy that went past 7 weeks. And while we didn’t have the means to even start fertility we just had ‘fun’ and tried to stay positive like you have had. I know that your story will have a happy ending too… 🙂 Thanks for sharing all the trials that you have had. It really helps to know that there are others out there.

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