Infertility Inferschmility


I wrote this note to myself the other night as I was trying to fall asleep:

You ever have those thoughts as you’re trying to fall asleep of the posts you want to write but you eventually fall asleep and they’ve vanished by morning? Don’t you hate that? I’ve had some pretty distraught posts float around…things I really wanted to get out but then I can only remember the minimum when I wake up in the morning cuz I didn’t get up and write stuff down. I’ve had complete posts written…then they’re gone.

One of those completed posts I had written in my head was about our infertility. Now I can’t remember what I even said about it…in my head.

I’ve had those posts about infertility come and go more times then I can count now. Drives me bonkers!

This blog is about Kyle’s and my infertility.

Duh.

But I haven’t said anything about it in….a LONG time…because I just don’t know WHAT to say.

It’s been about three and a half YEARS {YEARS, people!!} since we’ve done ANYTHING. How frickin pathetic is THAT?

Our third and last IUI was in November of 2007.

It makes me SO sad that there’s nothing that we can do to make things progress.

We’re beyond broke and are so thankful that we’re even able to pay our bills and still have a roof over our heads.

But we have no insurance and we have no money. We have no savings and we can’t borrow any money from family or the bank.

I think I’ve kind of just resolved myself to the fact that there’s no possible way for us to DO anything so I don’t even get upset when my period shows up. {I just eat whatever I want and drink lots of wine! ;0P}

Obviously, I’m not HAPPY about it, but I don’t really even think about it…too much.

We have an idea of what we think we’re supposed to do, but whether we do IUI with injectables, IVF or adoption, it’s all going to take time and money. We can make the time. We can’t make money grow on trees. Oh wouldn’t that be AWESOME if we could though?! And obviously I’m still “young”, but I’m not getting any younger!

I was TRYING to tell one of my BFF’s what’s going on in my head a few weeks ago and I could barely even verbalize it because I just don’t even understand my feelings on it all. And if I don’t understand it how am I going to get anyone else to understand it?

This is my shot at trying though…

Do I not want a child ENOUGH?

I know that there are those of you out there, those of you that have emailed me privately and those of you that are lurking that have gone to some pretty extreme measures to get your babies.

I think, am I not doing ENOUGH?

Do I not care about having a baby, ENOUGH?

Am I not praying ENOUGH?

I think I’ve become numb.

I don’t FEEL.

The only thing I FEEL is anxious, most of the time.

I like to think that I’m still caring and loving but I think my infertility and lack of progress has just made me numb and distant.

My mom told me recently that her Ex’s daughter is pregnant. Unmarried {with a long-time boyfriend} and pregnant. Then she told me the other day when the baby shower is going to be…in Portland, OR…and asked me if I wanted to go. I told her ‘no’. I try to avoid baby showers if I can help it and I’m definitely not going to travel out of state to go to a baby shower for someone that I’m not all that close to. My mom totally understood and was absolutely fine with my decision.

One of my cousins posted on Facebook the other day that she’s pregnant with #2. Her first just turned one.

I’m just tired of it never being me. When is it going to be MY turn? Why do I have to TRY to have a baby? I wish it was easy like it is for so many out there.

Sometimes I think that God knew that I was going to go to school so he’s having me wait till I’m through. But that just seems dumb. There are plenty of mom’s that go back to school. Why couldn’t I be one of THOSE if this is the path I’ve been destined to take?

My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled and don’t make sense, as usual. I wish I was better at articulating my thoughts.

Anyway, this is a blog about our infertility, but I don’t have too much to say about it, so that’s why I post mundane life crap that has nothing to do with this disease.

I hope you understand…and aren’t bored outta your gourd.

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Comments

  1. I LOVE this post.

    LOVE IT.

    I saw your info on twitter. I am Beth aka ivfgirldotcom.

    I related this this post in a massive way.

    xo B

    http://www.ivfgirl.com

  2. Definitely not bored. My heart goes out to you.
    xoxo

  3. Hey girl! I just wanted you to know that I said a special prayer for you this morning…a prayer for peace and comfort.

    I know ALL too well how you are feeling right now. As you know, we have been trying for four years…this April. We’ve had two IVF’s, four IUI’s, and endless months of ovulation kits and upsets once we realized they were not successful.

    God has a plan though…although the hard part is realizing it’s not our plan and it’s definitely NOT OUR FAULT!

    So please keep your chin up…your time will come, I just know it!

    FYI…besides, I want to see your baby’s eyes light up when he/she sees ALL those Christmas lights you guys put up each year ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Oh Megan ๐Ÿ™

    I remember feeling exactly like you, with similar questions. It doesn’t make cognitive sense sometimes the “unfairness” of it all, but one thing I have learned in getting to the other side of my IF grief, is that God knows… and He cares… and He is trustworthy with your heart’s desire. I hope and pray God has a baby for you in the not too distant future.

    Do know Sweetie, that I am always available if you need to talk to someone who has gone through a lot of what you’re going through and has made peace with it all, even without a child. I know that may not feel like a whole lot of comfort, but nonetheless, I’m here if you ever need to talk – email, twitter or if you have MSN, Yahoo chat we can talk via those.

    Praying for you today! Hugs xo

  5. Wow! Thank you for sharing your heart.

  6. Thanks for sharing your heart. It helps me to remember the emotions my husband and I went through while struggling with infertility(or should I say, still struggling with infertility). Our greatest blessing came to us through adoption. I know finances get strained and depleted due to infertility, but there are numerous grants to help with adoption, both domestic and international. We went through Bethany Christian Services and the journey turned into a healing process for us both. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if your thoughts turn towards adoption. I’m continuing to pray for you!

  7. I know it doesnt take the PAIN away, but hope it brings COMFORT to know that you are not alone… I know I’ve said MANY of the things you’ve just said here.. & have heard others say it as well…

    Sending you hugs!!!

  8. Hey lady! This is not fair. It should not be hard for someone who deserves to be a mom to become one. Money doesn’t grow on trees…I am sorry…I wish it did too! Can you get state insurance? Or from your school? I know most schools let you take out loans and you can add to your loan the cost of insurance. Also, there is always fund-raising! I’d pay in!!

  9. I can’t tell you how the “not doing enough” idea resonates with me. Probably our situations are a little different…we’ve decided not to pursue IUI or IVF, but I could always fly myself to Omaha (like a lot of other Catholic IFers), stay in a hotel for two weeks, missing two weeks of work (a YEAR’s worth of sick leave!), and hope that a different doctor could find something else, or come up with a more successful treatment. I could demand more drugs (it’s not like the ones I’ve taken have made me insane and WORSENED my symptoms). For heaven’s sake, I could get daily ultrasounds and blood draws done, and our SA already. Maybe I should. We have the savings to pay for all those things (probably), because we have more in savings than average but a lot more in student loan debt. But I can’t get my head around spending five figures to be told “30% chance but no guarantees” by ANOTHER doctor, after MONTHS more tests. Or blowing through all my sick leave (and then what leave do I use for the stupid ultrasound series?) and giving my colleagues the impression that I’m a weirdo, gone to medical appointments for days, for treatment that will probably upset me and accomplish nothing. I’ve drawn a line about how much I want my finances, my time, my life to be disrupted by IF – and the answer is “not very.” I don’t believe that God is demanding of me that I take on a part-time job as a medical patient, and I know for sure that He is capable of giving us children without that if He wants to. And I try to have confidence in the decisions I’ve made, but often, I can’t help feeling, was I supposed to spend 500 more hours in treatment in 2009 than I did? Was I supposed to spend $15,000 more on procedures that are not covered by insurance? Was I supposed to visit ten specialists and obsess until it made me sick and I no longer had any friends? Should I have cut all the FOOD out of my diet until I was completely miserable, all day, every day, because it might help my endo? Should I have pursued alternative medicine until everything that’s wrong with my body is right – or I’m no healthier, and broke?

    I think that may be the worst thing about IF. If you’re fertile, you get pregnant, you have babies, you did the right thing. But I feel like nothing that we do is ever right. It’s either way too much time, money, and focus, and we were unhealthily obsessed; or it’s too little and we didn’t want it enough. I know I would benefit from some sort of divine permission just to BE, and try to live a good life. And I think that’s permission we all deserve. Maybe Hannah was better off when all she could do was go to the temple and cry.

  10. Um. Sorry for the rant :).

  11. say what you wan t- it is your blog you know girlie! AND you are on stand still b/c you don’t want any more devasting heartache or crushing bad news! You are protecting your heart girlie!

  12. I’ve been numb.

    I asked those type of questions.

    I’m not going to give you the standard spiel about “you just need to relax” or crap like that.

    I will say, God *is* still actively concerned about the details of YOUR life. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. (Even when you don’t especially want to hear someone say that.)

    (((hugs))) and prayers.

  13. I understand completely.
    8yrs here myself.
    I hate that people don’t get it.
    I hate to hear someone else is pregnant even if I love them, I know, that’s wrong, but I can’t help but think, “Why not ME Lord?!?! Am I not yours??”

    Praying a special prayer for you to day of encouragement!

  14. My heart and prayers are with you!

  15. First of all, it isn’t fair, it doesn’t make sense. Sorry, I’m no help I know:-/

    What about keeping a journal by your bed and spending some time writing at night when the feelings are fresh? All my deepest thoughts seem to come to me at night also and are often gone by the morning.

  16. You are so not alone here! I feel the same way. I keep thinking when “this” happens, that is when God will decide we are ready. But that just doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t know! I’ll keep you in my prayers. But know that you always have your IF friends here to vent to! ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. Many prayers coming your way.

    I can’t begin to know what you are feeling, but my heart aches for yours.

  18. I’m so sorry. Praying for direction and a baby! Oh and I think up fabulous blogs in the shower and then poof they are gone when I get to the computer.

  19. Hi there,
    I came across your blog off of SITS, and I relate more to this particular post than to any other blog I’ve read so far…We’ve been married since 2006, trying every single month, and still come up with BFNs. All my friends who got married around the same time are on their second or third child and I have an extremely fertile-myrtle sister-in-law who, sweet as she is, is young, naive, and already getting ready to pop out her third kid…her oldest is almost 2, second is almost 1, and the bun is a few months old. Thank you so much for sharing this…I don’t have the courage to open up like this yet, but it’s nice to know there are others who are as eager, and as anxious, and as heartbroken as I am. My blog is currently private until I figure out what I can write about that might be interesting enough to complete strangers, but please feel free to email me at mrs.lautaha@gmail.com if you ever need to vent. It’s hard to talk to the friend whose carrying two baby bags, pushing a stroller, making a formula bottle and patting her kicking belly. ๐Ÿ™ Thoughts and prayers your way, Vania

  20. Thank you for your honest post. If wanting it enough, caring enough, doing enough, or any of the other “enoughs” were all it took, there would be no infertility. It’s not you! It’s a disease. I loved this blog post so much, I’m adding you to my blogroll and I don’t add all that many folks. I’ll try to find you on Twitter and FB as well. Thank you again for telling it like it is.

    Dawn Davenport
    Creating a Family~ A nonprofit providing education and support for Infertility & Adoption

  21. Megan, this was so honest and …raw. Thank you so much for sharing it. This is exactly why I created my infertility support blog so women like you, me and others can get together and be open about our feelings. I’m definitely not in the same boat as you but have my own personal issues with secondary infertility.
    Oh, and I mentioned in my personal blog about girls in my life who are unmarried, in completely unstable relationships financially and personally who are pregnant and it seems unfair etc and I got a message from a girl I know telling me she was offended by that post.
    I obviously meant no offense by it nor was I directing that blog at anyone specifically ( she thought I had). I was just sharing my feelings on how unfair it seems that I’m married and in a stable relationship and doing ok financially and I can afford another child yet God is not allowing it yet.

    Anyway, great post!

  22. Great posts are those that come from the heart. I generally ALWAYS prefer someone who is willing to lay it all bare. It makes you more human and more endearing to us readers. That said, I am so sorry about your struggles. It does seem incomprehensibly UNFAIR that people have to suffer and struggle so much to bring a child into the world, while others just have to “think” about it and they’re pregnant.

    I was married for 5 years, (never on anything to prevent pregnancy) when literally out of the blue and rather miraulously I got pregnant. I’ve always had “issues” for sure. Anyway, 15 months later I had my 2nd child. Now, I can’t seem to get pregnant again, though we’ve been trying for nearly 9 months. I know this doesn’t comopare to you at all, and I’m not trying to. I’m just saying, miracles do happen, and I hope that you are granted one.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog, AND commenting. That was so nice of you.

  23. sending some prayers right back for you girl. i can only imagine how this all feels. i have feared for years that the damage i did to my body over years and years of ED behavior will someday affect my chances of having children…but only time will tell.

    you are an amazingly strong woman who inspires me (and so many others) on a regular basis. perhaps that’s a teeny part of the Plan–that you share a part of your soul and journey with those of us who need it so.

    i know in my heart of hearts that your time will come…no matter what it looks like for you.

    (((love)))

  24. I just found your blog today from Sticky Feet…

    This post is exactly what I’m feeling too..

    We have been on this road for 4 years now…and I too feel numb…and that I might not be doing ENOUGH…

    thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone…

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