Conflicting Feelings

No matter who it is, when I find out that they’re pregnant, it’s a punch to the gut. Depending on who it is, though, the punch is either just a small punch or a crippling, fall-to-the floor-in-tears (figuratively) punch. I rarely cry when I hear about someone being pregnant.

Sometimes I’m totally shocked to hear that a particular person is pregnant or I’m not so shocked or surprised. I have a lot of friends and family that have had multiple babies in the time that we’ve been TTC. It never gets easier to hear their news.
I get outwardly pissed (not to the person, more likely to Kyle) sometimes that it’s them and not me and sometimes I just hide my feelings and wallow in the pain by myself.

I know there’s been times that I haven’t even told the person ‘Congratulations’. What a bitch, right? I just can’t bring myself to say the words.

The weird thing for me, though, is that I LOVE LOVE LOVE babies and I really enjoy doing things for the parents-to-be. Most of the time. I guess I kind of pick and choose who I’m happy for? I don’t know. I’m trying to think of the word to describe the feeling, but it’s not coming to me. For instance, there are some people (that shall remain nameless in case some day, some way they find this blog) that I am NOT happy for. At all. I’m totally and completely pissed that they’re having baby(ies). I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t want to hear about them. I don’t want to see them or their babies. Nothing.

But then, for others I don’t mind (can’t say that I love it, cuz the bursts of pain still shoot to my gut) hearing about them and doing things for them. My co-worker for instance. We’re having a baby shower for him and his wife on Friday. My boss and another co-worker and I went baby shopping last Friday. It was fun. And for the shower, I made a diaper cake. And enjoyed it. I’ve made quite a few diaper cakes (cakes made out of diapers and baby things) for my closest friends and sister. I love doing it.

See? My feelings are so conflicting and all over the place. It actually makes me a bit crazy.

I just needed to get this out of my head and “onto paper” so to speak. If anyone that happens to read this wants to psychoanalyze me, go for it! haha =)

The diaper cake pictured is one I “helped” my co-worker make for her daughter-in-law. (I actually made it, haha)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Oops – sorry.
    I had to delete the first comment because my typing was SO WAY OFF from the correct letters. I think I need some food – I’m not functioning properly.

    Anyway, here’s the corrected version of the deleted comment…

    WOW – that is an AMAZING diaper cake!
    If we ever decide to adopt, will you bring me one of those incredibly awesome diaper cakes, please?
    And if we get a toddler, does that mean the diaper cake is bigger since the diapers for a toddler are bigger (*hee-hee *chuckle for my own stupid humor*).

    Love you, love the diaper cake!

  3. You’ll just have to wait and see. LOL (I’ll bet there’s a high probability ;0) )

  4. Hi There, just found your blog today and have been reading about your trials trying to get pregnant, i am going to start trying next year with my Husband (as apposed to the random guy down the street!) and i worry that things aren’t going to work properly I wish you luck on your quest for children! Also i love your diaper cakes, i am planning on trying to make one from a tutorial i saw on the internet in a few months, will have to come back and use yours for inspiration!

  5. back two years ago I had to have surgery.. they took out one of my fallopian tubes and I had 17 cysts they took off my ovaries and surronding areas…and found out i have SEVERE endometriosis. plus, I had a previous miscarriage so they think that may have caused some of the problems because they found a tumour in my tube.(sorry if this is too much information..haha) anyways.. my husband and i have been together for almost 8 years now but only married for about 4 months..hehe but one day we will have kids…just not right now. when i had the surgery back in 2006 my doctor told me if i wanted to have kids we should try after i heal. i knew it was too early we were still young and wasn’t even married…but one day we will. anyways.. i worked at a doctors office..and literally on a daily basis we would have 16 year olds, 14 year olds, a 12 year old.. come in and find out they were pregnant. it would make me sick. knowing that when my time comes i may not be able to..but these girls can at the drop of a hat. are you kidding me? one girl had 3 kids at by the age of 21..and wanting to have more. they would come in half dressed, in only a diaper, no shoes, dirty & smelly and I would think here I am a girl who is gonna be an awesome mom and would NEVER let me kid be like that and here is this girl who didn’t finish school and basically i’m paying them to have kids.. here she is talking about her medicaid and her food stamps and how she got sooo much back on her taxes because she has an extra kid this year.. oh i hated listening to it.
    now…my husband and i are married.. and 3 days before my wedding my boss told me i may not have a job when i got back from my honeymoon. when i got back 4 days later i was told that it was my last day and they were laying me off. so now were married and were ready to start having children in the next year and now i don’t have a job…and can’t afford it. it just irks me so bad that I know those patients at our office are still coming in and still producing kids like it’s the “cool thing to do” and here i am sitting at home surfing online looking at all the cute stuff I could buy my kid but can’t…. of my best friends who after she caught my bouquet at my wedding on july 26 decides she wants to get married on oct 11 the same year because she had so much fun at my wedding..then seriously 3 weeks after the wedding she calls me and says “i’m pregnant!! now you get pregnant so we can be pregnant together..” it just irks me.. I try to be happy for her i do.. but ….
    so I haven’t went thru all the stuff that you have and i pray that i won’t have to but when it comes to when you find out someone is pregnant…and you should be happy but you just can’t.. i know how it feels. :o)

  6. OMG! You are looking up my nose, reading my mind. I have felt all those same feelings and questioned myself, my heart. Happy for some, angry at others. The family member who is preg. with yet another only 6 mos after her second child….after a foreclosure and losing custody of #1……with a husband who has 4 from a prev marriage. Husbands ex-gf who we occ see at church…..she is rude to me and kind to him and it will burn to see her belly grow and watch her get so much attn….right after I am asked “So what are you waiting for?” And the girl at work who got preg w/number 2 deceptively when her husband wasn’t ready…and says all she has to do is look at him and she gets pregnant….then names the child what I told her my girl would be named should I ever have one.
    It is so painful, but yet a hard struggle to share. We have been married 7 years and I am your age. We feel like we have done all of the right things to prepare for a child…but…lots of negative pee sticks.
    Thanks for your candid blogs. It’s nice to feel human!

  7. I’ve never posted here before, just lurked a little – saw the title of your blog on Cheapskate Mom’s blog and had, just HAD to check it out …

    I hardly know where to begin. I’ve been in the dumps for about a week now because I found out some friends of ours are pregnant for the second time. I was really happy when it happened for them the first time because they had their own IF issues and struggled for years to conceive. But, I don’t know, I guess I kind of thought in the back of my mind that they wouldn’t be able to have another, just like we’ve not been able to … it’s not rational – nothing about the way IF makes me feel is rational. But it was definitely a blow.

    I’ve been there, felt that as far as everything in this post goes. It was nice to read something that reflected my own feelings and experiences with IF.

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